After Marriage, Comes What??

(Originally published Summer 2014)

Marriage — a waitress and two bottles of ketchup

Commitment — the ideal, mutually felt, and long-lasting agreement.

— Heather Blackwell

Is it easy to add quality, committed people to your inner circle?

No.

Do most people respect the people within their ‘inner circle’?

Hmm…let’s consider.

Besides our children, it is the ‘significant other’ that people typically disrespect the most, and then parents and then friends and then co-workers and then that guy driving his car too slow in the right lane, “Doesn’t he know the speed limit?!”

You get the picture … back to significant others …

Is it easy to successfully add people to your life?

No.

Why is that?

I think most of you know. The answer is that we take it for granted that this significant person will not only be there to accept the disrespect — they accepted you, they should accept everything you say or do…right?? Wrong — but we believe that they “should” take the disrespect.

The Fallacy of “Should” Statements

*Remember: “should” is a thinking mistake.

When making a “should” statement, ask yourself:

1. Does this person have the experience to know in order to do?
2. Is this person willing to do?
3. Do we have the same expectations?

If the answer to these questions is “no” then he or she “shouldn’t” be doing … whatever it is you think they “should.” (Also…you are not their nanny or mama or daddy, so you don’t get to say what they should do.)

Now, if we can’t disrespect the people closest to us, then who can we disrespect? Of course, I am being sarcastic. You know. I have said it. “No one deserves to be disrespected.”

About Marriage

Let me tell ya. I don’t like the word marriage. It has a negative connotation. I shudder to think of a man asking a woman — or a woman asking a man … or a man asking a man … “Will you marry me?” To this I would reply, “Sure I will … just tell me when we are getting divorced!”

Instead, what I hope you would ask is:

“Will you choose to accept me into your life and, with me, accept the mutual responsibility of a life-long commitment marked by mutual respect and mutual love?

And then do you know what I hope? I hope you “put the ‘pause’ button on” and ask yourselves together:

“Do we know what respect means? Do we understand that we have to be self-respecting before we can respect each other?”

Ask together: “Do we understand that we have to be self-loving before we can love each other?”

Only after you have both communicated the correct response to these questions do I encourage you to answer the initial question regarding life-long, loyal, commitment.

And then do you know what I hope? I hope you will go to someone who is trained to know how to guide you in making sure you know who you are and to guide you in cataloging your list of strengths and weaknesses — not only as a couple. More important, seek help as an individual to learn self-analysis and self-correction, which are the core principles of personal accountability and will ensure life-long pleasure with your significant other.

Now. There are four elements that comprise a successful relationship — whether that is work-related, romantic, or platonic. These elements are the following:

• Compatibility 
• Communication
• Commitment
• Compromise

Commitment

Commitment is a scary word, isn’t it? Do you know why? Because what if I grow tired of being with the same person? What if we fall out of love? Can I truly stay with the same person for a lifetime?

Yes, a lifetime is a mighty long time.

So if you’re going to make a commitment you better make sure you are compatible, you better make sure you are not committing to a disrespectful, an abusive, or a neglectful person, or even a person who does not share your core principles (e.g. outdoor girl vs. indoor boy, Protestant vs. Muslim).

Let me tell you, though. Unless you jump head first and commit to someone after a handful of dates, the warning signs are there.

If the warning signs are there and you lie to yourself that ‘changes in the relationship can be made “after” the commitment is established, then you have doomed yourself to failure, because what the relationship is in the beginning is most likely what it will be in the end. I’m sure there are some miracle cases where he or she found higher power — or something along those lines — but the majority of times it doesn’t happen like that. Last, if you choose to enter a committed relationship with a disrespecting person then it is your responsibility to take, well, personal responsibility for the choice you made. I’m not saying the disrespect is right or that you are responsible for their choices; I’m saying you are responsible for your choices.

Compromise

I have to what?! Oh, yeah, buddy. Compromise.

In what life! In what world do we ever get everything we want when it involves another person — whether that is work-related, romantic, or platonic? We practice diplomacy or our relationships fail; it is that simple.

1. Problem: He wants to watch football; she wants to watch the Lifetime Network.
    Solution: Have sex.

2. Problem: She likes beef; she likes chicken
Solution: Have sex…just kidding. Go out for dinner or cook two separate entrees—either together or alternate cooking schedules … prepare for left-overs.

Those are two examples out of an infinite number of exasperating possibilities. No one said commitment was going to be a bed of roses, so why are you expecting it?

If you can’t handle the four C’s, then don’t enter into a commitment — commit to yourself and get a pet (I have a plant). There’s nothing wrong with living the single life; I’m content with it ….
*Mental note … Need. To. Buy…another plant.

Please observe your circumstances — you, your partner, ideals, desires — before you move forward into a commitment or decide to end a commitment. If you’re in a relationship where nothing is fundamentally wrong — which I define as abuse or neglect — but you’re “just getting bored”, then I say to you, “Stay Committed, because it’s the right thing to do.” You made a promise and what are you worth without your integrity. If the relationship is getting dull, there are ways to make it sparkle again.

Check your actions

• Are your love languages different?
• Are you burned out in another area of your life and not using your partner as a resource for healing?
• Are you taking an emotional problem out on your partner instead of dealing with the emotional problem and moving forward?
• Are expectations not meeting reality?
• Are you not communicating?
• Is it something else? Only you know. Type in and tell me.

Last Thought: Save Your Emotional Money For “Spectacular … Work Included.”

If it doesn’t work out …

…don’t beat yourself up. We live in a world gone awry. Our society doesn’t teach commitment; society teaches self-gratification—here today, gone tomorrow, out with the trash. Pertaining to my failed marital relationship, I made the mistake of ignoring the warning signs; my ex made the mistake of ignoring the warning signs. It seems like everyone saw the warning signs but us. And of course, I made the mental mistake, “Marital Miracle-Solving”, which is the idea that there is a self-correct mechanism after “marriage” has been initiated. BTW: Ketchup bottles empty eventually.

In conclusion, do your best and leave the rest, but most importantly don’t expect your partner to be your source of happiness or security; your happiness and security are waiting to be realized by you.

Last Last Thought: Be Discriminating. Be realistic. Be logical. Be practical. Be self-forgiving and forgiving of your partner. Shoot for the fairytale, and consider that at times you both will act like toads.

Above All…Be committed.

Multiple Personalities: How Many Do You Have?

Heather discusses a term — first identified by Eric Berne — called “Ego States”. Eric Berne wrote a book called “Games People Play.” Heather discusses how ego states affect your personality, your independence, and your relationships. Heather discusses how you can use ego states to develop your self-identity, your self-confidence, your inner peace, and your leadership ability. (If you value my podcast, please share with your network, and PLEASE consider leaving me a 5-Star Review via Apple podcast! : )

Listen to Episode 13 here!

The Dark Side of Me: From Human to Psychopath and Back

Heather discusses how her childhood environment — wrought with abuse — nurtured the evil seed to which all humans are born, and how she painstakingly worked to repair the inflicted damage in order to create a healthy, cohesive, humanitarian self-identity in a 10 year long self-help journey. Click here to listen to this podcast episode.

In conclusion, evil is a constant within us all, just as good is a constant within us all. The amount of exposure to evil determines the degree to which we feel comfortable acting upon evil. Being evil is a choice. Evil compulsions can be suppressed. That suppression is a choice. Also, evil compulsions can be neutralized by counterbalancing with conditioning towards “good” behaviors, such as learning compassion and empathy, and then frequently practicing compassion and empathy. Ultimately, to be good or evil is a choice. Click here to listen to this podcast episode.

Are You Tired of Feeling Lost, Alone, Unloved?

This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip explains why some adults harbor feelings of low self-worth. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip continues the explanation of childhood abuse and adult-focused diffused identity. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip discusses my circumstances that led to my diffused identity. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip explains how a diffused identity affects adult relationships. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip encourages the younger generation to trust their intuition in order to avoid partnering with people who have abusive tendencies. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip explains the reasons that abusers abuse. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip encourages listeners to have hope by listing primary abuses I have endured and healed from. To listen to the full podcast, click here.
This is a clip from Episode 4 of my podcast, Thousand First Dates. This clip inspires listeners to persevere. To listen to the full podcast, click here.

Dating Disasters with Guest Host, Krystal Centinello

Heather and Crystal discuss their daily disasters with narcissistic and sociopathic men. They also discuss codependency, psychological healing, self-love, and self-worth.

Audio clip, Episode 8, Dating Disasters

Dear Mental Health Counselors, Have You Mastered the Art of…Being You?

“Knowing others is intelligence;

knowing yourself is true wisdom.

Mastering others is strength;

mastering yourself is true power.”

Lao Tzu

Analogy: Imagine that you are an aspiring plumber. You have fixed leaks in your own bathroom faucet by watching YouTube videos. You say to yourself, “This is easy. I can fix other faucets.” So now you want to become a plumber. You post a service ad. A customer answers the ad, so you go to their house to fix the problem. The customer says there is a moist stain on their wall that they think needs repair. You say that you have the answer. So you go to the Home improvement store, you buy stain blocking paint, you go back to the home and cover the stain with paint, and you tell the customer that their wall is good as new. Meanwhile, you go home to cover your own wall stain with stain-blocking paint. In time, the walls collapse. Due to lack of training, you apply the right solution to the wrong problem. The wall did not just need paint, because the problem was much deeper. A leaking pipe needed to be replaced, but you did not have the skills or training to know better.

Relating to mental health professionals (MHP), the human mind is a complex strata of thought and emotion shaped by experience (some of which is trauma). While it is acceptable to offer help in the areas for which you are skilled — liken fixing a leaky faucet to formulating a plan for good habits — it is important that you understand your limitations.

You must realize what you do know and what you do not know. You must understand how to accurately match solutions to problems. You must know when and how you need to refer clients to a specialized MHP. You must know a.) your own biases b.) your own character weaknesses in which you still struggle (because all humans struggle) c.) how to guard against transference and countertransference d.) how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Being self-aware is important. However self-mastery of self-awareness is crucial to helping others help themselves in a mental healing process.

Have you searched all the dark corners of your mind? Have you uprooted and repaired all your emotional insecurities. If you are at peace with yourself, if you are confident to share your weaknesses, then you have. (Clue: If you struggle with depression, anxiety, and/or feelings feelings of low self-worth, if you still hide your past failures, then you have not, which means you must be careful when endeavoring as a mental health professional of any title.)

Be clear to list the services of what you can and can not provide in order to set accurate expectations for prospective clients. If you are unsure of what you can provide (and if you are unable to verbalize what it is you provide, then you are unsure), then thoroughly conduct research and study until you are sure and can clearly articulate your services and abilities.

A Story of Child Abuse and LGTBQ Manipulation

Munchhausen syndrome by Proxy is a serious mental illness that endangers the lives of children.

The subject of this particular situation is a mother who encouraged her child to embrace transgenderism. The most likely scenario is that the mother began conditioning her son from birth to believe that he was a girl. The mother may have been secretly mournful of her son’s gender and encouraged by hearing passersby tell her that her baby was “such a pretty girl” or “you have such a pretty daughter”, she decided to influence her son to believe he was a girl, so that by age 3 the child was regurgitating his mother’s wishes and longings. This emulation is normal for a child since a child longs to please the parent and having been conditioned for so long the child would know no other reality.

This mother a.) used the LGBTQ – revolution to get attention in the form of praise and sympathy. She most likely also wanted a daughter, so she was able to achieve two objectives.

The medical establishment who is performing the gender-mutilating procedures/treatments is most likely experimental and research-oriented, so they unethically jumped at the chance to experiment on a live “guinea pig”.

The mother most likely has been lying for and to her child and influencing/conditioning her child from a very early age.

This child will have serious identity issues moving into adolescence. Depression, anxiety, identity confusion, and regret will mark this human’s childhood lifecycle. The child once turned adult will be wrought with inner turmoil, which will affect the human quality of life in all areas.

No matter what your opinion of the #LGBTQ revolution, a three-year-old child should never be persuaded to make such life-altering decisions before real understanding can be achieved. This case study is one of child abuse. Gender modification is just a new weapon used to harm children by maladaptive parents.

Munchhausen syndrome by Proxy is a fact and this case study is an example.

To read the full article of origin, click here.

“Human sexuality is binary; it’s implicit, it’s in every cell of our bodies,” she said. “Sex is not assigned to people. It declares itself. We recognize it. Our bodies tell us who we are.”

Dr. Michelle Cerella, American College of Pediatrics

Related Articles

Why Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy is Having a Moment on TV. Time.com

Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy Overview. verywellhealth.com